Running thoughts, running through
I started running a few months ago. First it was 5 km, then little bit more than that, then 10 km. I started to feel good when I ran, riding on the endorphin boost. My best distance is now 15 km. Not bad for four-month beginner. I started with running while listening to music, then podcasts, then, I could run without any assisted distraction. Just me and my thoughts and the sound of my strides.
I am thirty this year, and now every sitcom is my story. “Too afraid to move forward”, “I did nothing extraordinary”, “Have I peaked?” ran through my mind almost every day. These thoughts haunt me and being trapped in a job I found little satisfaction, in which I have little control of what I can do made it worse. The running has been a great help to me. I could never imagine in my 20s that I will run 15 km — ever. It seemed like if I put it in some efforts, I can actually improve, even beyond what I thought I could do. At least, putting in effort is something within my control.
So, my boss floated me this idea that I should apply to a top school. I was amped up at first but the more I did my research, the more I realized how slim is my admission to the university. The admission is in August and in my head, I am thinking that I cannot uproot my life to go there in August — plus with unguaranteed financial support and during this pandemic even more. I think waiting should be good.
But I have this hard reminder that I am sabotaging myself. I always did this — I make presumptions of future stumbling blocks if I do it now so I postpone, waiting for circumstance to change. Bad thing is, when circumstance change, it brings new challenges and again the presumptions dominate. I did it before I flew to the States thinking, “hey maybe I can do this when I am in the university,” …
… then when I was in the States, when I thought of doing something, I said, “Hey, maybe I when I am back home,”…
… Then when I graduated and back home, I thought to myself, “Maybe when I got a job in KL, I would do this”…
… Then, things happen. Don’t get me wrong, I still did some stuff that I promise myself I would do but nowhere I would want myself to be. These chronic, repeated, sabotaging patterns are self-damaging I know, but in my head, there many things at stake if I rushed into a decision.
I also noticed another sabotaging habit. I know I love reading, and I read a lot of stuff that most people don’t care about. (Well actually most people do, since books, usually non-fiction, that I bought are always slapped with bestsellers label). Anyways, book that I bought are usually big ideas: about sciences, about nature, about how humans and the system works: recently economics have been dominating my selections.
Today I was confronted with a certain hard fact. I wanted to buy a book so I had to make a choice, between a book about technical analysis (which I have been wanting to buy for quite some time) OR a book about how nations went through crises. I realized I made a conscious decision of choosing the "big ideas" book.
While running today, I realized the reason I chose the book. It started with me getting into self help books, then a professor told our class it is his least favorite genre. So I adopt that — and I know it was purely from an egotistical standpoint but I agreed. It is hard to get amped up with all the advices and directions from the self-help book only to be crushed later because I essentially failed those advices and/or directions.
So I lean towards big ideas, ideas that are almost impossible for me to act on it, because they are easier. They do not demand action but can be displayed subtly in the glass shelves of my brain. They are easier.
I delay myself from getting into stuff that needed my commitment. It could be books, it could people, it could be relationship. I have these thoughts that my schedule is so beyond my control that I cannot make any commitment that demands me and my action. So I close myself to many opportunities, part of it is actually to save myself from the imminent failure.
I realize I must change. But why break things for an unknown result? I seriously don’t have the answer right now but I know one thing. I don’t want to waste my life away.
