Introverts in Extroverted World
Growing up, making friends didn’t come easy to me. Probably I was too self-conscious considering my lacking in sports and physical activities, or probably I was just too dependent on having my cousin (and by extension, his friends) as my ever-ready friends since my aunt just lived next door.
I accepted that too willingly and I didn't see why I needed to change big time. Don't get me wrong I like to have friends, I am just not good in making new ones. I played like normal kids but sometimes I wanted to read books as well (actually, most of the time) and when I knew I wasn't good at playing like other kids I just resorted to books. It was my safe haven and it still is, now.
This weekend, I encountered a paragraph in Good Economics during Hard Times reporting a research in Peru about how placing a boarding school student next to a more sociable kid will improve the former’s social skills. Then, it clicked on me: I had that experience.
Thanks to my senior in my boarding school (whose bed literally was next to mine), I was exposed to this "sense of duty" to be sociable so we can affect the community; how important it is to showing up at community events (especially the religious ones). I started to change, gradually. My parents seemed elated that their son (who’s always dubbed as arrogant for not playing outside) actually showed up in neighborhood/community events. I extended and stretched myself, I guess it was for my betterment too. That sense of duty “stuck” with me up to University life.
While social skills are important, learning and applying them took huge effort from my side. I chose my circle carefully and religiously. In the end, all of this sociability turned into chores for me, and a demanding one at that. To be honest, after all the community activities I went, I wanted nothing but a time in my bed reading books or catching some movies/TV programmes alone. One summer, I had it all to myself and I winged it solo-style. It’s really one of my memorable summers.
While working in KL, I found myself living alone again. It didn’t really occur to me until a friend of mine pointed it out — and it didn’t bug me. I had friends at work, and at my volunteering sessions and it was enough. If I really wanted to meet a friend, I asked them to hang out but it wasn’t easy since most of them have their family of their own - and it’s no one’s fault.
Reading through this, some of my freinds/acquaintances would never believe that I am an introvert of some kind. I am chatty, true but only in a setting I am comfortable with (or if I want to). Contrary to normal depiction of an introvert, I am quite okay with public speaking. And now in my current job, 60% of my job is tackling people along with their colors and flavors. It was really trying and draining for me, and most of the nights I really just go into my room for a personal recharge time - or on the weekends I just go around the city, alone or with some close friend(s).
Being fresh in the labor market, I have to say that social skills are important and there is no way around it. So here are some mantras I try to live by, navigating my introverted way in this extraverted world:
1. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but talk when you need to
You know people say that most people regretted what they don’t do rather than what they did. In talking, it’s just the opposite. I usually regretted what I did say rather than what I didn’t. So talking in social settings isn’t introverts stronger suit so make advantage of that and learn to identify moments when you talk it gives values and necessities to the occasion. Don’t be pressured by your peers who seem to have all the points to voice out because most of the time, they don’t.
2. Learn and observe from people
Face it, some people are born with exemplary social skills (and some people don’t). Usually I keep a mental note on what works and didn’t work in social setting and learn it as it goes. Sometimes you experience it and sometimes others experience it. This might come as a surprise to some people (I talked to my friend about this and he can’t relate) because humans absorb and emulate social cues most of the time subconsciously (I guess). Later on, this social cues will come naturally.
3. Keep your circles tight and understand that distancing is part of growing
Introverts usually don’t have that many friends and when we are distanced apart, there is a guilt engulfing us on what went wrong. There probably were reasons why it happened the way it happened but sometimes it just happen as people learn more about themselves and their lives. Don’t beat yourself up too much about it.
4. Focus on your strength, not your weakness
There are many aspects to social skills and you can’t be bad at all of them. There are also skills or interest which might not be social on its own but a good icebreaker to wade yourself in a social setting. Growing up, drawing has been a huge help on my part and in a class setting it really helped especially when I was the only new student in that school. In office setting, it will take time but sooner or later you will find your mojo or your thing with your colleagues, just keep an open mind.
5. Sense of duty is good, but when it becomes chores realign yourself.
I would say that I am still realigning. Trapped in a job tasks that I dislike, it is really hard to find that center where I can balance it all. Life sort of derailed from what I planned 10 and 5 years ago but you make do with what you can. So when you encounter something that demands you to be sociable of course sense of duty is one of the biggest motivation, but it will be a bigger motivation if it’s your passion. I can’t say I have found my passion (other than writing pieces that nobody reads) but in rare circumstance I do find satisfaction in my day job. So that’s good enough in justifying all the draining social activities that I have to endure. (I am sorry I make it sound so bad and truly I am grateful for my job).
There is always work in progress
The conclusion is, if it isn’t obvious still, is you make do with what you have and keep learning to improve yourself. The world might expect us to behave differently but no one knows ourselves more than we do . Find that balance between being yourself, being good at what you do, and being good to others.
